An Honest Resolution: Rushing

Another of my resolutions this year was to get away from rushing.  I completely understand that rushing is an inevitability but there are times when we rush for no other reason than we are used to rushing.  There's nothing wrong with rushing.  There are times when I can't afford not to rush.  I'm in school and working and attempting to maintain some semblance of a social life, sometimes I rush.

So this year I am making a concerted effort to reduce the amount of rushing I do and here's why:

Rushing is exhausting.
Rushing causes stress, prolonged stress is bad for you.  Elevated heart rate, irritability, anxiety: these are all related to rushing.  Think about walking a kilometre, a relatively short walk and afterwards you can go about your day no problem.  Now think about sprinting a kilometre, not only can you hurt yourself if you aren't prepared, afterwards you are sweating and out of breath.  This is what rushing does, you can get things done faster but it comes at a higher cost.

Rushing is not being efficient with my time, it is being irresponsible with my time.
Now I realize this isn't always the case but when you are constantly late or almost late, you aren't making the best use of your time you are just using more of your time to do less.  For me this means knowing what my day looks like the night before, this means double checking dates and times so I am not second guessing where I'm supposed to be.  It can also be packing my book bag so I'm not wandering aimlessly around the apartment trying to find odds and ends.  And finally (and this saves me so much time) I put my keys and my wallet in the same place the moment I walk through the door so that if something comes up suddenly I can be out the door faster. If you are hurrying because you don't have time, you've probably wasted it somewhere.

Rushing is overwhelming
After playing basketball for so long, I'm used to having every minute of the day scheduled.  I'm used to having the mentality that if something doesn't get done right now it won't get done. So now I have to schedule in quiet moments.  If I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, I take the stairs instead of the elevator to give myself 5 flights of quiet.  I head to campus 10 minutes early so I can sit and write for a bit or go through my notes or listen to a couple songs.

Being overwhelmed is a big struggle for me, it can be the beginning of the end for me.  The moment I start to feel in over my head I begin to shut down; I stop feeling motivated, I stop communicating and sometimes I'll even stop eating and sleeping.  Now I've got ways of coping with this, I break things down into smaller chunks (lists are the best way to get things done), I look at my schedule day-to-day not as a whole week, I remind myself how much time I actually have but, it makes my life so much easier if I can reduce the number of things that cause me to feel overwhelmed.

So far this has been a tough resolution to stick to, especially mid week when I'm tired but I'm finding that the more I get into a routine, the easier it is to minimize rushing.

Down-sizing and Who I Used to Be

I made a number of New Years resolutions this year and a really big one on my list was downsizing.  I'm 21, I am at one of the few times in my life where I will be able to pick up and go without hesitation.  The only thing really holding me back is the fact that I have too much stuff so I've decided to live with less and get rid of the things I no longer need/use.

For the most part this has been great, I feel like I am more free.  Living with less just leaves more room for living.  However, I was not prepared for the painful part of downsizing: letting go.

This brings us to the first part of my story: Who I used to be?

This isn't even all of it. 

This is a pretty good picture of who I used to be.  I played 3 years of post-secondary basketball, I spent between 30-50 hours in the gym a week.  I ran wind sprints with a 30 pound weighted vest, I lifted weights. I read, watched, talked, wrote and dreamed about basketball.  A big part of that dream came true in the summer of 2013 when I moved up from the college level to play university ball.

I don't play anymore, I stepped away from the game in July.  At first it didn't feel real, then all at once it felt like I had decided to rip my left arm off.

I felt like an entirely different person, and I spent a great deal of my time that summer waiting for the old me to come back.  But the truth is, that person didn't come back and isn't going to.  I have rebuilt myself and while I find that I am very different on the other side of my experience, I don't feel like this version of me is any better or worse, just new.

At least that's how I felt before I started downsizing.  I felt my old shadow looking over my shoulder as I began sorting my clothes and books.  Part of me felt really good, some of my gear has only been worn a couple times so they'd make great hand-me-downs/donations and I was finally freeing myself from the clutter I had been content to cart from place to place (I'm currently on my third move in 3 years with the possibility of a fourth in the near future).

A very small and petty part of me wanted to douse it all in gasoline and watch it burn.  That way no one could ever get hurt the way I was hurt.  No one would ever dream big dreams just to watch them wither away.  But basketball is a game and it doesn't have the power to do any of those things.  Basketball didn't hurt me, people hurt me.  Basketball didn't kill my dreams, my dreams changed.  And all those books and jerseys and shoes, those material items just helped me be the best I could be while I still wanted to be that person.


A very big part of me felt a deep sense of loss, not because the things I was getting rid of meant anything to me but because I thought they always would.  Old me wanted to feel that connection to the game but, the old me is just a shadow that doesn't really exist anymore.  Getting rid of this stuff is accepting the fact that the old me really is in the past.

But I'm happy, happier than I've been in over a year.  I'm just as proud of who I am now.  I have just as much passion for the things I love, I just love different things.  I haven't lost all that I was.

I lost a lot of this person

But I kept the best parts

An Honest Resolution: Cooking

Here is a post about the first of my New Years Resolutions, a big one this year was learning to cook.  Up until recently, toast was my signature dish.  Cooking as always been a sore spot for me.  I've never been particularly apt at it and being very messy by nature cooking always seemed to be more work than it's worth.

Not being able to cook made me feel really helpless and clumsy and useless.  It was one of those things, I had accepted I would never be good at.  And as I think about what's next for me I realize I am not going to live with my roommate forever, I won't always have someone there to cook for me.  My body does not perform when it is only fuelled by baby carrots and beef stew from a can.

So one meal a day I cook.  I started off with pasta and moved on to chicken and the most adventurous I've gotten is meatballs.  I have to be intentional with making time to cook.  I always have so much cleaning to do afterwards.  I burn things,  I make things I wouldn't even give to an animal to eat.  But despite the absolute disasters I feel better, more capable and even healthier.

Thinking about cooking used to make me feel awful about myself (as much as I used to joke about it).  Now there are times I even find myself enjoying the process.

It looks like vomit but it is very edible!

This is just chicken breast with Ranch and Dr.Pepper BBQ sauce dumped on it.
Again, horrifying to look at but definitely delicious

An Honest Introduction

Welcome to just an honest blog.

It's nothing special, it's just my story.  The reason why I think it's important to tell a relatively ordinary stories is because ordinary stories are often what we identify with.  Many ordinary stories have had an extraordinary impact on my life.

So I'm just going to tell my story.  Parts of it are difficult to put into words, some sections are just plain painful.  I just want to give you a very real, very honest picture of my struggles and triumphs.

So I'll talk to you soon.