An Honest Return

To be honest, I forgot about this blog until today. It came up on my Facebook memories. It's weird how I can feel so different but seem to be in the same spot as I was two years ago.

This would've been my fifth year, my last year as a university athlete. But while my friends are posting pictures of their last home games, I am still struggling through physio, trying to stay pain free. And it's hard.

I'm trying to remember that most people don't make it to year 5. Our bodies don't last. Our wallets don't last (remember that in Canada, a 'full ride' doesn't exist). We get tired of school, we get too old, we get cut, we blow out our knees (or backs) or we get bored.

Basketball is the only thing I haven't finished. And it still hurts to have left it unfinished.

Quitting basketball was a good choice. I was slowly losing muscle function in my back and legs. I didn't sleep at night. I had started to get intense anxiety when I had to go to practice or workout with certain teammates. I was depressed, I had stopped going to class.

So why does this thing that was so bad for me, hurt so much? Why wasn't it an easy choice? Why 3 years later, am I still not over it?

Because it was also good for me. It gave me community when I had none. It gave me friendships with people I wouldn't have met otherwise.

But my mind couldn't handle another season stuck in a toxic program any more than my body could handle any more strain.

I think what bothers me the most is that I didn't know my last game would be my last. I didn't really get to leave the game on my terms. And that, more than anything is what I wanted.

Even if most people don't get it either.